You’re Never Gonna Let Me Down

I could appropriately begin this blog post with an infamous 90’s song lyric that goes a little something like this:

“This is the story of a girl, who cried a river and drowned the whole world.”

My dear friend called me yesterday with the sweetest words of encouragement. She had an analogy for me that was so incredibly fitting. Picture this: you’re baking cookies with your child. This kid loves cookies, so naturally they want to eat them right NOW. When you tell them “not yet” because they’re either still being prepped, in the oven, or cooling down, that child is probably going to be inclined to throw a temper tantrum. You’re not saying “no,” and you’re not telling them “not yet” because you want to be mean. It’s because you know that they aren’t able to have those cookies yet because it’s not safe, even if your child doesn’t understand or see it that way. See where I’m going with this?

Yesterday morning, I got an email from the office manager at our reproductive endocrinologist’s office. She’d previously emailed me to ask if anyone had gone over the financials for our upcoming IVF treatment. I’d told her that they hadn’t. When she responded with the breakdown and listed the out of pocket costs that insurance won’t cover (even Starbucks insurance), I felt like I’d been sucker punched in the stomach. I knew we’d have our out of pocket deductible to meet. And I knew medication costs would likely be out of pocket (which were also revealed in that email to be higher than expected). What I didn’t realize was there were things our insurance wouldn’t cover, even though Starbucks covers IVF. A quick tally brought the total to an approximate number between $4,000 and $5,000 dollars. We don’t have that kind of money saved. In fact, almost all of our Baby Dull money that we’d raised and saved is spent because of testing we’ve had to complete that wasn’t covered by our current insurance.

At that point, I broke down in my car in the parking lot at work. I cried, and I cried, and I cried. I felt the weight of the world barrel into my chest as I dealt with the revelation that we wouldn’t meet our daughter in 2018, either. That another year, another holiday season next year, more birthdays and family get together would all pass while Josh and I stood childless. To say I was devastated was an understatement.

Naturally, I threw a temper tantrum. I scolded God. “Don’t you know how bad I want this!? Where are you!? Why would you do this to us!?” I called a few of my prayer warriors and asked them to lift us up. I laid in bed and I cried some more. For hours, actually. It felt like I was grieving. In a way, I kind of was. I was grieving the fact that what I’d thought was about to happen suddenly wasn’t. That wasn’t an idea I knew how to handle.

When I’d arrived home, I walked into my bathroom and looked down to see the card in the image above. I even posted it on my infertility Instagram with the caption “okay, God. I hear you.” But then I proceeded to go out and lay on my bed and sulk. I wasn’t prepared for what happened next.

Josh had needed to run a couple errands, and had convinced me to go with him. As we got to the first stop, I got a message on Instagram reminding me that Josh and I are eligible for a military discount through our fertility clinic. I began to breathe a little easier. Okay God, I see what you’re doing. Except, I still wasn’t prepared for what was to come.

After dinner, we were hanging out with Josh’s parents. Sitting on the couch at their house, I received a text message from another dear friend. She told me that there was a woman looking to donate the EXACT amount of one of the medications I still needed. Momentarily, I couldn’t breathe. Could this really be happening?? Not to mention, I had another friend reach out last week offering to send me two day’s worth of the same medication. I was so grateful then, and even more grateful now. You see, with IVF, having a few extra days’ worth of medication on hand isn’t a bad idea because things happen and your medication protocol can change at any moment. So I’ll actually have extra of this medication! But wait, there’s still more!

We left my in laws and I couldn’t wait to tell Josh what had just happened. But when we got home, I had another woman reach out to me and I was offered another medication I need for treatment. But wait, there’s more! This morning I woke up to a message from another woman offering me more of the same medication. I’ll even have extra! Are you joking me, Lord? No, He’s not.

In a matter of hours, a situation I thought was hopeless, did a complete 180. God is a God of abundance. Our medication costs were eliminated! We don’t need to buy ANY meds! That erased a couple thousand dollars for us. What a relief! Not only that, but we’re back on track for February. And now, we don’t have to wait for a medication order to come in. We can start as soon as insurance is live.

Our military discount will help a lot! There’s still a couple thousand dollars we’ll need to cover, but we’ve got some savings still, and I’m more confident than ever that God will show up. He’s already got it covered.

Sometimes, as Christians, we feel like we can’t be angry or upset with God. We have to just grin and bear it. But that’s false. You see, God is a BIG God. He can handle our temper tantrums. What He’s done in my life in the last 12 hours is still mind blowing. He is in every single detail. He cares so much about our baby, and He wasn’t about to let me lose this opportunity. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I’ve never been more confident that the Lord has asked us to do IVF. Whether it’s something some people agree with or not, we are obeying Him! How silly was I to doubt that He would show up? He’s never, ever going to let me down.

By the way, the special test I mentioned in my last post went flawlessly. In fact, all of our pre-IVF testing is done and has gone perfectly. In fact, Josh’s semen analysis improved SO MUCH, that we’re actually over the target numbers in all areas. Nothing has even changed! That’s GOD y’all! We’re completely set and ready for our baby girl. We couldn’t be more excited. Thank you, Jesus! Thank you in advance for this miracle!

I don’t know if our cookies are still in the mixing bowl, in the oven, or on the cooling rack. What I do know is that God is big, God is good, and God is faithful. I also know that I can smell those cookies, and it will be a most joyous occasion when He finally tells us “now.”

Trust in His plans, even when they don’t make sense.

All my love,

Mallory

Long time, no talk

Hi! Long time no talk. So, I haven’t been around lately because the WordPress app and I have been fighting. It wouldn’t let me log in. Until now! So, what’s new? Well, a lot actually!

  • Since my last blog post, I’ve gotten a job at Starbucks and I seriously love it! Starbucks actually offers IVF coverage through their insurance, so I left my previous job to work there. This leads me to my next update.. we are officially in IVF mode! My insurance begins February 1, 2018, so we are currently doing all the prep work we need to do before we begin. We will begin as soon meds arrive in February. In fact, today I’m going to have a special ultrasound to make sure everything looks good to go.

  • Josh got a promotion within the company he works for, and that’s been a huge blessing for us! We’ve also been making a point to work on our marriage. Not that our marriage was “bad,” but infertility can do a number on your relationship. It does a great job at creating separation. We’ve made a point to do date nights and really focus on each other. Baby Dull needs an example of a strong, loving marriage. We want and need to be a powerhouse for her to witness her entire life.

  • In October, I went to the first annual Moms in the Making conference in Dallas. It. Was. LIFE CHANGING. I met so many amazing women who totally understood my heart. I met face to face with online friends I’d connected with for such a long time beforehand. I made three new best friends with three absolutely amazing women from a simple trip to the bank. I worshipped harder and more passionately than I ever have in my life. I cried, I prayed, and I learned. I left that space with my heart absolutely bursting with hope and childlike faith. And to think, I wasn’t going to go originally. Thank you, Jesus, for working in my heart for me to go there that weekend! {Side Note: We’ve chosen elephants as our baby girl’s “theme,” and I bought a little pink elephant that has since become our IVF “mascot.” You’re going to see that pink elephant appear in several of our photos along the way. That’s the story behind it!}

I have recently had multiple opportunities to educate others on my journey and what infertility truly means and looks like. I’ve also had multiple opportunities to be able to guide and support other women who previously had none on their own journeys. I think that’s why the Lord chose this journey for me. It wasn’t to harm or curse me. It was to guide and bless others who are struggling, or the “outsiders” who might not understand. It’s a job i take seriously and (finally) feel blessed to be given. He trusts me that much? How lucky am I!?

I have never felt so close to the Father. I have been acting in faith more than ever before. I’ve started crocheting a blanket, I’ve bought small items for our future nursery, I’ve bought small items of clothing that seem to speak to me. No longer will I worry about “jinxing it” when buying baby items. Oh no, it’s just the opposite! You see, God showed me this baby girl. He speaks to me about her all the time! He will even use other people to do so. And you know what? I’m ready for her! WE are ready for her!

I’ve reached a place of peace. Full disclosure, it wasn’t an easy road. But I’ve reached a place where I’m genuinely happy. I have a loving, supportive husband who stands beside me every step of this journey. We have a huge, amazing support system of friends and family. Baby Dull’s cheerleading squad is massive, y’all! I have a job I never expected to love this much. I have amazing coworkers and probably the world’s best boss. Seriously. My boss is the most understanding and supportive person. Having her on my side during this journey is so important and such a relief to me. She takes an interest in my journey, and has already reassured me that we will work everything out along the way to make sure this happens. That’s GOD you guys. He has shown up at every single point to show me that not only am I doing exactly what I need to be doing, but that He will take care of everything. I’m so blessed and I’m so happy. Although I’m admittedly anxious and nervous as IVF approaches, I’m also so excited and feeling very fortunate to even be able to do so. Life is so good, God is so good, and this baby girl is on her way. Watch out, world!

Be blessed,

Mal