I’ve learned so much in the past few weeks about following the path God is paving for me. It’s funny, you think you’ve got it all figured out. You think your relationship with Him is on fire and couldn’t possibly change or improve. But then He breaks you down in a new and different way. Sure, it hurts. Sure, it’s scary. But it’s also necessary. You need those experiences so that you can go to a whole undiscovered level of Him.
Everyone always tells me I’m so strong and I totally appreciate that! But if I’m being honest, I still have bad days. I still cry and ask God why I have to wait. I recently had a night where I didn’t think I could do this infertility thing anymore. I didn’t think I could handle the weight of my maternal desires anymore. But then He sent me a dream of my baby girl and I remembered why I have even stuck it through this long in the first place.
One of my absolute favorite songs right now is called “Called Me Higher” by All Sons and Daughters. The song has legitimately been on repeat on my iPhone for weeks now. It speaks to me so deeply and profoundly. In fact, we sang it in church a few weeks back and I wish I could describe the presence of the Holy Spirit around me in those moments. Wow. The lyrics I’m really feeling connected with right now are these:
“And I could hold on
I could hold on to who I am and never let You
Change me from the inside
And I could be safe
I could be safe here in Your arms and never leave home
Never let these walls down
But You have called me higher
You have called me deeper
And I’ll go where You will lead me Lord“
“I’ll go where you will lead me, Lord.” Profound. Infertility is hard. Life is hard. I could have chosen to let these trials drag me down. Sometimes, I actually did. I could’ve been comfortable just simply believing in God and believing that He’d eventually give us our baby. But He called me higher than that! I had to know and trust that where He was, and is, calling me was is going to be more amazing than I could even imagine. It really is as simple as a game of follow the leader. He stuck his hand out to me, and I took it. The Lord wasn’t satisfied with idleness, and frankly, neither was I.
Since I finally surrendered this journey to Him in July, I’ve seen a major shift in my relationship with The Father. He’s always around me, always talking to me, always directing my steps. I mean.. honestly. He’s doing some crazy stuff. Y’all, I’ve always dreamt of the medical field. Anyone who knows me, knows that about me. But a few months ago, I felt Him call me to ministry. Specifically in the realm of infertility. I actually had one friend mention this to me without me ever sharing that with her. Ministry!? Not in the form of becoming a pastor (I don’t think), but definitely being an example and a light for women who know this hurt. What??? But God, ministry wasn’t in my plan.
Then again, neither was infertility.
“In the same way I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born,” says the Lord. “If I cause you the pain, I will not stop you from giving birth to your new nation,” says your God.” -Isaiah 66:9
God never intended for me, or any of us for that matter, to suffer for no reason. There is always a story to be told. Whether you’re experiencing a death or loss, whether you’re experiencing a divorce, illness, job loss, infertility, etc. The Lord is always for us. When these things come along, it’s to shape our testimony and prepare us to go out into the world and share the good news of victory. He makes beauty from ashes. Even the most devastating and tragic events will be something beautiful in the end. I may be waiting for my sweet miracle, but Jesus Christ bought and paid for this struggle when He died on the cross. He paid for yours, too. The battle is already won! He has called you and I higher than our pain, higher than our struggles, and higher than idleness. He has called us into action! Don’t just sit and wallow in that pain. It hurts, and the last thing you want to do is to keep going. It may even feel like you can’t keep going. But I promise you, He’s got so much up ahead. You’ve just got Trust that He’s called you to it.
I refuse to sit back and be quiet. I refuse to let this struggle be for nothing. I refuse to not celebrate the victory that I know is coming. I refuse because He chose me. He called me. And buddy, I’m going. Why? Because He’s never failed me yet.
Have the most blessed day,